Eliminate Anxiety When Approaching Hot Women in 3 Steps

by The Asian Casanova on February 6, 2012

fear of talking to hot girl

This is a long post about arguably one the most important topic you will ever learn when it comes to being successful in dating beautiful women and having a lot of options in life. I want to give you some straight forward advice on overcoming anxiety approaching and talking to beautiful women. I believe that this anxiety is the single most important factor to consider in creating a positive experience with women. While there are many tactics and how-tos for solidifying a relationship with women, there are fewer tactics on inner-beliefs and eliminating anxiety with hot women.

If you are able to overcome this anxiety, you will find yourself in a new dimension with women. If you were to forget all about the other dating skills, and were just able to overcome anxiety talking to beautiful women, you would that find your odds of success with women would increase dramatically. So here you have my opinion on the matter, mixed with a little social science.

What we are talking about is fear. Fear is the number one reason men find themselves without a mate. If you wonder why some men are just really natural with women and others are not, then you can look no further than fear. So-called male “naturals” are just men who have either overcome their fear or men who never had it installed in the first place. I say “installed” because men (women too) are basically born with a clean mental slate.

Yes, we have certain instinctual traits that are part of our character through evolution (replace with “heredity” if you don’t believe in evolution). The rest of our character comes from social conditioning from our environment. Before we talk about our socially conditioned character attributes, let’s discuss the genetic traits.

Our genetics give us 2 dominant purposes in life

  • Survival of our species (mating)
  • Self survival (so that we increase our chances of mating)

In looking at these two purposes, we can summarize that our primary purpose is survival in one form or another. In our bodies we have thousands of nerves that feed our brain with all kinds of information. Assuming your brain is more or less normal, you will have nerves that tell your brain what physical pain is. When you experience physical pain, your brain receives messages from the nerve endings that something is wrong. The brain responds by sending physical signals to your body to take corrective action (i.e. remove your hand from a hot stove).

You also experience emotions attached to this pain which may alter your mental and physical state through hormones. This experience is known as the “flight or fight” response or “acute stress response”.

That is where things break down for us humans. You see, the biological response mechanisms became part of our baseline physiology during prehistoric times when survival was much more difficult and responding to life-threatening emergencies was much more common. Unfortunately, our physical evolution moves at a much slower pace than social and technological evolution. As a society, we have evolved very rapidly from those early days before we invented the wheel.

Today we have an incredibly complex society that allows us to communicate without even being present or visible to each other (i.e. you are reading my communication, yet you cannot see me). This creates a social problem because our brains are still “hard-wired” to many of these primal or instinctual traits, but we are forced to conform to social rules not present during early physical evolution.

To help you understand why you may have approach anxiety today, you have to now consider how you have been socially conditioned on a genetic level and how this ties into your instinctual traits. You can think of the brain (your memory center) as a continuous feedback loop. In early stages of child development, the brain creates many neural pathways as a result of learning. The brain is trained how to keep you alive by receiving huge amounts of information through your physical senses and creating key pathways that are optimized for survival.

To simplify matters and eliminate all the scientific mumbo-jumbo, think of it this way. Imagine that your brain receives 3 types of information: GoodBad and Indifferent. In other words, if the information is “good” for survival it is stored in a certain way, “bad” information is stored another way and “indifferent” information still another way. By organizing the information this way, your brain then tells you how to behave to increase your chances for survival.

There are a few factors at play here. Once upon a time we lived in small tribes. In fact, most of our human history we lived in small tribes. Our physiology has adapted to the tribal environment, not so much to the modern lifestyle we live in today, where we live with millions of other people in dense populations.

In these tribal societies, if a man were to be rejected by a woman, this fact would be known to the whole tribe. This factor would be especially known to any male leaders of the tribe. What do you think would happen? The male would become a social outcast… or worst, killed. Do you think the leader/alpha male of the tribe would allow competition for the women? Of course not. So it has long been the case where the males in high social status and power would have a natural confidence with women and the males that did not, would be a lot more timid.

That is factor number 1. Factor number 2 is current social conditioning, not just genetic. This is where we are heavily affected by our childhood experiences which determine our teenage experiences… which ultimately affect us as adults. So if you had bad experiences with girls as a child, or were taught to think about girls a certain way (by your parents/social environment), obviously this would have a huge impact on your behavior… would it not?

The truth is that most men have a learned fear of women due to social programming from our childhood years that was instilled before the (average) age of 12 or 13. After that age, we end up reinforcing this trait (e.g. fear) by our own behavior.

So approaching women throws off signals from the brain that tell us we are in “danger” and we respond by retreating. The simple act of patterning ourselves to retreat gets reinforced over and over many times until it is so deep in our behavioral pattern that we start to rationionalize the behavior. We tell ourselves “I’m just not good with women” or “I am unattractive and got dealt a bad hand of cards“.

That is where the bullshit factor comes in. We begin to tell ourselves lies and we believe them. Our belief system gets screwed up , some of us find ourselves still a 40 year old virgin. The sad fact is that the older you get, the harder it is going to be to eliminate this “learned” fear. For you younger guys, you will be much better off overcoming this NOW. For the older gents, you are going to need something else. Either way, you are all going to need something that can change your life forever.

Some of you will not be able to swallow this “something” all at once. Others will never get it at all and will die without ever having mated. Still others will get it so rapidly that they will forget they never had fear of talking to women in the first place. Before I explain what this one thing is, let me also illustrate the key reason guys with anxiety over girls are not getting laid. This comes down to two factors:

  1. Women do the choosing
  2. Men do the approaching

This is a generalization, but it holds true at least 90.3% of the time. If men are too afraid to approach, women won’t choose them. Its that simple. As to why women choose and men approach, I can only say that that is another topic, which I may or may not illustrate in another post. Just trust me when I tell you that it is the truth. Regardless of the reason, you have to learn to overcome your fear and anxiety to approach the women you are attracted to so that you can be chosen. For this, you will need to get one thing that is very difficult to acquire. It works like magic, but until you have it, you will be in a sad state. What is this one thing?

Faith.

I’m not telling you that you need to find Jesus and turn your life over to a higher power or start selling bibles. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but this has nothing to do with God. Rather, I am asking you to trust what I am telling you and at least approach things with an open mind.

If you cannot be even the slightest bit open to building your faith, you are dead in the water and I cannot help you. You are unteachable. Maybe someday you will change your mind, otherwise, your journey ends here. Good luck. Enjoy the only girlfriend you’ll ever have, your hand.

For the rest of us who are sick of being afraid, I am going to suggest a very simple 3-step program to acquire faith. The three steps are as follows:

  • Increase positive feedback responses
  • Initiate a small social connection
  • Incrementally increase the depth of your social connections

If you follow these “stepping stones”, you may find it easier to eliminate your fear and reduce the “pain” you feel (i.e. the nervous and hormonal response from your brain).

1. Increasing Positive Feedback Responses

This is the first step and the easiest one. It requires very little of you and is almost like a magic pill. How do you increase positive feedback responses? Its simple, all you have to do is smile. Smiling is a common trait of happy people and also one of those key attributes for the “alpha male ”. The trick is that you have to make smiling a habit. That means you need to smile all the time. Even while you are in the shower or alone in your car.

You must especially be smiling when you are in social circumstances, and always smile at women (even the ugly ones). So why smile? Because people who smile are more likely to be smiled at. Our brain has automatic neurons that respond to smiling faces. By receiving smiles from other people (especially HBs), we increase our “positive feedback responses”. We start the steps to reprogramming our brain and eliminating the social dilemma that has befallen our feeble existance.

2. Initiate a Small Social Connection

This step is pretty easy also. In fact, you can combine it with the first step if you understand why you need to do it. This step also increases your positive feedback responses, but more importantly, it reinforces the new found programming and makes it a habit.

The simplest way to “initiate a social connection” is to say “Hi”. Pretty simple, right? The trick here is that you are now connecting with someone else. Chances are you will get responses like “hi”, “hello”, “how are you” and so on. 99.9% of the time you will have made that positive social connection and you will have reinforced the positive feedback response even more.

Occasionally you migh get a response like “go fuck yourself” or “would you like to have sex?”, but those happen very, very rarely. The trick here is to do it all the time. Smile and say “hi” to everyone you see.

3. Incrementally Increase the Depth of Your Social Connections

Obviously, there is a big leap from smiling and saying “hi” and having sex with someone. You have to look at this as an incremental process that improves over time. After you have gotten really good at steps one and two (i.e. they are habit), you need to start increasing the interaction until you find yourself in full blown conversations. The trick in this step of the process is to move away from superficial interactions to deeper connections.

Your conversation, over time, will go from “hi, how are you” and “nice weather we are having” to “that’s a really nice dress you are wearing, where did you buy it?” The conversations turn into a more “personal” interaction, and making the next steps towards buildingcomfort with the person become much easier for you. As you progress, you will “naturally” find yourself engaging on a personal level and you will do so without fear. It will happen automatically.

To summarize, this 3 step process can eliminate your anxiety (fear) through a structured “fake it until you make it” process. The steps are intended to be easy to follow and much easier than leaping into a full blown approach. If you find your sticking point is your crippling anxiety when talking to and approaching beautiful women, this is one strategy you can employ to overcome this fear, and ultimately acquire faith.

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